A Good OldFashioned Spoofing!
by Leslie Rampey
Summary: When a lawyer who spanks his clients is killed, the detectives and DAs swing into action to get to the bottom of the case.
1. Act One

A GOOD OLD-FASHIONED SPOOFING!  
  
A Closet Comedy in Two Acts  
  
by Leslie Rampey  
  
Although inspired in part by actual incidents, the following story is fictional and does not depict any actual person or event. (In other words, folks, it was "ripped from the headlines!")  
  
CAST OF CHARACTERS:  
  
Det. Lennie Briscoe  
  
Det. Mike Logan  
  
Lt. Anita Van Buren  
  
EADA Jack McCoy  
  
ADA Abbie Carmichael  
  
DA Adam Schiff  
  
Det. Anthony Profaci  
  
Sharon Coley, a secretary  
  
Tiffany Fountain, a cocktail waitress  
  
Denise Morton, an attorney and the victim's wife  
  
Lawyer, Mrs. Morton's attorney  
  
Various CSU personnel and detectives of the 27th Precinct  
  
ACT ONE  
  
SCENE ONE: Lawyer's office, not a fancy one.  
  
[Secretary, young and pretty, enters with open file folder that she is looking at as she talks and walks toward desk.]  
  
Secretary: Mr. Morton, you need to sign this as soon as possible, or that DA's gonna have a cow. [When she gets no response, she looks up from the folder to the desk where she obviously expected Mr. Morton to be sitting.] Mr. Morton? [She turns around to check the rest of the office, but finds no one. She glances at a halfway open bathroom door, waits a moment, and then goes to tap on it.] Mr. Morton? [No answer. She slowly pushes open the door but finds no one. Perplexed, she turns back to the room and calls out once more.] Mr. Morton? [Then to herself...] Now, that's funny! Where on earth? I know he didn't leave... [Now knowing something is wrong, she looks around the room more carefully and screams piercingly when she sees a pool of blood at the side of a sofa that is turned away from her.]  
  
END SCENE ONE.  
  
SCENE TWO: Same lawyer's office, this time with the body of Mr. Morton revealed on the floor in front of the couch. Much blood. CSU personnel swarming.  
  
[Enter Detectives Lennie Briscoe and Mike Logan.]  
  
Mike: What've we got here?  
  
CSU Person: One very dead lawyer.  
  
Lennie: Oh, that's just too easy! [Glances at Mike.] You take it.  
  
Mike: [Rolls eyes at Lennie.] What happened?  
  
CSU Person: As far as we can make out, the late Mr. Morton here was sitting on the couch when someone clubbed him.  
  
Lennie: From behind?  
  
CSU Person: Doesn't look like it. From the angle of the blow, I'd say the assailant was standing right about here. [Indicates a spot less than two feet in front of the couch.]  
  
Mike: Weapon?  
  
CSU Person: Didn't have to go far to find it. [Points at a heavy cast metal statue still on its side on the carpet. Quite bloody, it's about six inches high with a wide base.] Dropped it right there. From the dust marks on this table [indicates an end table at the arm of the couch], I'd say it had been sitting there before someone grabbed it and put his lights out.  
  
[Lennie and Mike go to examine the statue, not touching it.]  
  
Mike: Wow, is that Buddha?  
  
Lennie: Yup. I'd say Mr. Morton had a very enlightening day!  
  
Mike: Imagine getting killed by Buddha!  
  
Lennie: Imagine finding a perp that easy.  
  
[Straightening up, they look around the room and notice the secretary sitting huddled in her boss's chair at the desk. Her eyes are staring straight ahead.]  
  
Lennie: Who's that?  
  
CSU Person: [Consults notepad.] Sharon Coley. The secretary. Called it in. She's pretty shook.  
  
Lennie: Thanks. [Approaches secretary who doesn't notice him. He touches her gently on the shoulder.] Ms. Coley? I'm Detective Lennie Briscoe and this is Detective Mike Logan. Do you think you could talk to us for a few minutes?  
  
[Sharon doesn't speak for a long moment, but then blinks a few times.]  
  
Sharon: [whispering] How can there be so much blood?  
  
Lennie: Head wounds -- there's a lot of blood with a head wound. Listen, I know this is very upsetting, but we need to ask you some questions. OK?  
  
[Sharon nods.]  
  
Mike: You found, um, Mr. Morton? Your boss?  
  
Sharon: [Nods.] Yes.  
  
Mike: Who was in here with him?  
  
Sharon: No one.  
  
Lennie: Someone had to have been.  
  
Sharon: Before, yes. Not when I found him. He was alone then.  
  
[Lennie and Mike exchange their "It's-gonna-be-a-long-day" looks.]  
  
Lennie: Okay. Well, before. Who was the last person in here with him?  
  
Sharon: Client. Miss Fountain.  
  
Mike: [Taking notes.] Miss Fountain have a first name?  
  
Sharon: Um, Tiffany.  
  
Lennie: How long before you found Mr. Morton did Miss Fountain leave?  
  
Sharon: I don't know. Half hour -- maybe more. I was working on...  
  
Mike: [Calling to CSU person.] How long's it been?  
  
CSU Person: Recently, very recently. Three hours tops -- probably less.  
  
Lennie: Ms. Coley, are you sure that Miss Fountain was the last person in here before you found your boss?  
  
Sharon: Yes. No one else.  
  
Lennie: And you definitely would know, right? You didn't maybe go to the bathroom or out to get some coffee or something?  
  
Sharon: No, nothing like that. I was at my desk the whole time. Then I came in here, and he -- he was...  
  
Mike: Lennie, there's no other way in or out of here.  
  
Lennie: Right. So, looks like Tiffany Fountain is a good bet. Ms. Coley, do you have an address for Miss Fountain?  
  
Sharon: Yes, at my desk. [Makes no move to get up.]  
  
Lennie: We'll get it before we leave. Now, I have just a couple more questions. This Miss Fountain -- she was alone in here with Mr. Morton?  
  
Sharon: Yes.  
  
Lennie: How long?  
  
Sharon: She was his one o'clock. It was about an hour, I guess.  
  
Lennie: Did you hear anything while she was in here?  
  
Sharon: [Shrugs.] Just the usual.  
  
Mike: What's "the usual?"  
  
Sharon: Client prep session. They get noisy. I don't even hear it anymore.  
  
Mike: [Taken a bit aback.] Noisy? Why should they be noisy?  
  
Sharon: Well, Mr. Morton always says -- said -- that most of his clients don't -- well, know things.  
  
Mike: And sooo...?  
  
Sharon: They don't know things. Like how to behave in front of a judge. Things like that.  
  
Lennie: [Regarding Sharon more carefully now.] So, he'd, like, what, teach them?  
  
Sharon: Uh, yeah, that's it.  
  
Mike: And this would get "noisy?"  
  
Sharon: [A bit evasively now.] Sometimes.  
  
Mike: Well, did Miss Fountain's session get "noisy?"  
  
Sharon: [Definitely wanting to clam up now.] Like I said, about the usual.  
  
Lennie: [Sighing.] Okay. Well, one more thing. Did you talk to Miss Fountain when she left?  
  
Sharon: Not really. Just, you know, maybe "'Bye." Like that. She seemed in a bit of a hurry.  
  
Mike: [Under his breath.] Yeah, I'll bet.  
  
Lennie: Did you notice anything about how she looked?  
  
[Sharon shrugs and says nothing.]  
  
Lennie: Ms. Coley?  
  
Sharon: Well, I guess she was a bit...  
  
Lennie: A bit what?  
  
Sharon: Um, "di-shev-eled" maybe you would say. [Says that slowly, as if it is a new word she has learned.]  
  
Lennie: "Disheveled?" Is "disheveled" maybe what you would say?  
  
Sharon: [Shrugs again.] Just the usual.  
  
Mike: [Impatient now.] Again with the "just the usual?" What the hell goes on here anyway?  
  
Sharon: [Starts crying and wringing her hands.] Don't yell at me! I come in here, and there's all that blood! And Mr. Morton -- he's...  
  
Lennie: [Pats her on shoulder.] You've been a big help, Ms. Coley. You want to go get us that address now?  
  
[Sharon gets up and leaves room quickly.]  
  
Mike: She knows more than she's telling.  
  
Lennie: Yeah. Let's look around a bit more, Mike. There's something going on here that we don't know about yet.  
  
[Lennie and Mike systematically search the office.]  
  
Mike: [Pulling open cabinet under bookcase.] Lennie, look here! Videotapes -- rows of them. And [pulling open another cabinet] here's more!  
  
Lennie: I'm guessing not Jurassic Park?  
  
Mike: No, they're homemade. Labeled with initials and last names.  
  
Lennie: [Goes to door to outer office.] Oh, Ms. Coley? Would you join us back in here for a moment?  
  
Sharon: [Enters reluctantly and leans against doorframe until she sees Mike with the videotapes.] Hey! You're not supposed to be in there! Mr. Morton wouldn't like that at all!  
  
Lennie: Believe me, Mr. Morton is way beyond caring. Now, you tell us -- would these tapes by any chance be the famous "noisy" client prep sessions?  
  
[Sharon glares at Lennie and says nothing.]  
  
Lennie: [Sighs.] And if we matched the names on these tapes against a list of Mr. Morton's clients?  
  
Sharon: You can't have that. It's -- privileged, or something.  
  
Lennie: Yes, we can have it, and, no, it isn't privileged.  
  
Mike: Ms. Coley? S. Coley? Isn't this your name on this tape?  
  
Sharon: You can't see that! [Lunges across room towards Mike, but Lennie restrains her.]  
  
Lennie: [Hands her off to one of the uniforms.] Take her out of here! And make sure we get that address!  
  
Mike: Whoa! Sure hit a sore spot!  
  
Lennie: Yeah. Well, we don't need her. We just need to watch the tapes. Let's bag 'em.  
  
Mike: Right. Hey, but Lennie? If there are all these tapes, don't you suppose that he was taping this afternoon, too?  
  
Lennie: Our murderer on tape? Oh, that would be too good! [To the uniforms.] Tear this place apart! We want the recording equipment!  
  
END SCENE TWO.  
  
  
  
SCENE THREE: The 27th Precinct, Lt. Anita Van Buren's Office. Very late afternoon, the same day.  
  
Anita: Okay. The dead lawyer Morton. What do we know?  
  
Mike: [Flipping notepad pages.] Tiffany Fountain, cocktail waitress. Morton's client. According to the secretary, last person alone with him. We went by her apartment where neighbor said he'd seen her leave for work about half an hour before. We went to the work address on the lawyer's records, but no Tiffany Fountain. Seems she had quit and taken another job a week ago, but no one knew for sure where. Schlepped back to apartment...  
  
Lennie: ...where the incredibly helpful neighbor had neglected to tell us the first time that, oh yeah, she's been leaving in a different uniform the last few days.  
  
Anita: Could you make the uniform to a specific restaurant or bar?  
  
Lennie: White blouse, black skirt? Not likely. So, we left a couple of guys there to pick her up when she comes home.  
  
Anita: Prints?  
  
Mike: The lab has the Buddha statue that was the weapon, and Miss Fountain's prints.  
  
Anita: They were in the system?  
  
Lennie: Being in the system is, or was, apparently the route to Mr. Morton. Client list is all shoplifting, bad checks, possession, et cetera, et cetera.  
  
Anita: And what about the videotapes you took from the office?  
  
Mike: All we have are the ones that were already on the shelves. We were hoping there would be one of this afternoon in the hidden camera we found, but no such luck. Either he wasn't taping this afternoon or Fountain took it with her. The lab has the camera.  
  
Anita: And what's on the other tapes?  
  
Lennie: [Groans.] Lieu, come on. We just got back in. Fountain's probably not gonna be home for hours, and I'm hungry. [Stands up to leave.] We're going to go have something to eat.  
  
Anita: Nice try, Lennie. Ever hear of "Dinner and a Movie?" Order takeout.  
  
END SCENE THREE.  
  
  
  
SCENE FOUR: The 27th's conference room a short time later. Mike is fiddling with a VCR.  
  
Lennie: [Morosely.] Great. Just the way to spend an evening -- watching a lawyer on TV.  
  
Mike: Lennie, you saw how weird that secretary was acting. Aren't you curious about what's on these tapes?  
  
Lennie: Hey, the only thing I'm even remotely curious about is what time Tiffany Fountain is going to show up so that we can arrest her and wrap this up.  
  
Mike: Okay, hand me one of those tapes.  
  
Lennie: Want to start alphabetically or by date?  
  
Mike: Whatever. I don't care. We don't even know what we're looking for yet.  
  
Lennie: [Idly selects a tape from the stack and tosses it to Mike.] I know what I'm looking for -- I'm looking for dinner. Where the hell is Profaci with the food?  
  
Mike: Just watch.  
  
[Mike and Lennie settle into chairs at the table as Mike clicks a remote. Unintelligible voices are heard from the VCR. Mike and Lennie look bored. Suddenly they both start with interest and look more intently at the screen.]  
  
Mike: What in the hell is he doing?!?  
  
[Squeals are heard from the VCR.]  
  
Mike: You believe this, Lennie?  
  
Lennie: No. Fast forward, Mike. Let's see where this is going.  
  
[Mike points remote at VCR. Lennie and Mike stare at screen a minute or so more, their eyes growing wider and their mouths falling slightly open.]  
  
Mike: That's it.  
  
Lennie: Let's look at another. Here, try this one.  
  
[Mike hastily switches tapes. Sounds similar to the first tape -- squealing and some yelling, punctuated by what could be a pounding or slapping sound.]  
  
Lennie: Another girl -- same thing. Try another.  
  
[Mike puts in a third tape. Same reactions from Lennie and Mike and same sounds.]  
  
Mike: I friggin' don't believe this!  
  
Lennie: Put in another, and let's try to listen so that we can figure out what is going on.  
  
Mike: I can see what's going on! And who can listen with all the yelling? Now I know what the secretary meant by "noisy."  
  
[Profaci enters as Lennie and Mike are watching the fourth tape. Sees TV screen and drops takeout bag to floor.]  
  
Profaci: What the hell?  
  
Mike: Shut up, Profaci. We're trying to listen.  
  
Profaci: Does the Lieutenant know you're watching this stuff?  
  
Lennie: She told us to. We gotta watch it. It's evidence.  
  
Profaci: [Goes to door of conference room and calls out.] Hey, guys -- c'mere! Ya gotta see this!  
  
[Room fills with several curious male detectives. Once they see the screen, there is general uproar -- whistling and catcalling.]  
  
Detective: Hey, man -- way to go!  
  
Mike: Hey, guys -- knock it off! We're trying to listen!  
  
[Unnoticed, Anita enters room.]  
  
Anita: WHAT IN THE HELL IS GOING ON IN HERE?!?  
  
Lennie: [Waves at her.] Hey, Lieu! We're watching the evidence - just like you said.  
  
Anita: Okay -- anyone not connected with the Morton case, out of here! NOW! [Herds detectives out of room amid general protests.]  
  
Detective: [Grumbling.] Briscoe and Logan -- they catch all the good cases.  
  
Anita: Profaci!  
  
Profaci: Hey, I brought the food!  
  
Lennie: [Still not taking his eyes from TV screen.] Yeah? Where is it?  
  
Anita: [To Profaci.] Out!  
  
[Profaci leaves, reluctantly.]  
  
Anita: Lennie, Mike -- turn that thing off!  
  
[Mike clicks remote.]  
  
Anita: [Characteristically sighs and squares her shoulders. Confronts Lennie and Mike.] Do you mean to tell me that these were just porno tapes he had in the office? And you're sitting here watching them? You better have a good explanation!  
  
Mike: No, not "just porno tapes." [Clicks the tape back on.] Look.  
  
Lennie: [Gesturing at screen.] See the guy there? Meet our vic, Mr. Morton -- and all his lovely young clients.  
  
Anita: You mean...? All these tapes...?  
  
Lennie: Yup.  
  
Anita: Unbelieveable. [Sighs.] Well, keep on watching - see what you can pick up. And don't let anyone else in here. [Turns to leave.]  
  
Lennie: Hey, Lieu! [Raises styrofoam coffee cup to her.] Bottoms up!  
  
Anita: Not funny, Briscoe! [Leaves, slamming door.]  
  
END SCENE FOUR.  
  
  
  
SCENE FIVE: Anita's office, where she is on the phone.  
  
Anita: Abby? Glad you're still there. I know it's late, but we have -- a situation. I think you better get over here.  
  
END SCENE FIVE.  
  
  
  
SCENE SIX: Anita's office a short time later.  
  
[ADA Abbie Carmichael enters.]  
  
Abbie: Okay, Anita -- I'm here. Where's the fire?  
  
Anita: It's this case. [Hands her a folder.]  
  
Abbie: [Flips through file.] Dead lawyer. Looks like there's a likely suspect. If she doesn't skip before you pick her up, I don't see a problem.  
  
Anita: Take a look at the inventory list.  
  
Abbie: Hmmm... What's with all the videotapes?  
  
Anita: That's what I want you to tell me. Let's join Briscoe and Logan.  
  
END SCENE SIX.  
  
  
  
SCENE SEVEN: Conference room, where Lennie and Mike are still watching tapes.  
  
[Anita and Abbie enter.]  
  
Abbie: [Blinks at screen.] What in the hell is that?  
  
Mike: [Apparently mesmerized; in a monotone.] Spanking. Lots and lots of spanking.  
  
Lennie: And then some.  
  
Abbie: I can see that. But why? Who are these people?  
  
Anita: What have you guys found out?  
  
Lennie: Well, according to the dialogue, such as it is, it's pretty much like the secretary told us. Mr. Morton is preparing his clients for their court appearances.  
  
Abbie: Bare-bottomed?!?  
  
Mike: Seems he has -- had -- a theory that a sore behind would help them remember things.  
  
Abbie: Such as? Look, can you turn that thing off while we're talking?  
  
Mike: [Winks at her.] Oh, come on, Carmichael, give it a chance!  
  
Lennie: Yeah. It may not be Oscar material, but it has potential.  
  
Anita: Knock it off, guys. This isn't funny.  
  
Lennie: Okay. If you say so.  
  
[Lennie and Mike are obviously trying hard not to laugh.]  
  
Anita: Look, Abbie asked you a question. Uh, what was it again, Abbie?  
  
Abbie: What is this Mr. Morton trying to accomplish with this?  
  
Lennie: Well, see, he rehearses them for court. If they screw up...  
  
Mike: And they always screw up.  
  
Lennie: ...then they're staring at carpet fiber from across his knee.  
  
Abbie: Screw up how?  
  
Mike: Chewing gum seems to be a no-no.  
  
Lennie: Forgetting to answer a judge with "Sir" or "Ma'am."  
  
Mike: Bad grammar -- he's big on that.  
  
Abbie: Sounds like common sense.  
  
Lennie: Well, trust me, that's something in short supply in this group.  
  
Mike: Yeah. I mean, face it -- if common sense were these girls' strong suit, they wouldn't have needed Mr. Morton in the first place.  
  
Abbie: [Staring at screen some more.] This is outrageous!  
  
Lennie: [Shrugs.] Whatever. Seems to work.  
  
Abbie: [Turns on Lennie.] And what in the hell do you mean by that?  
  
Mike: Calm down, Counselor. Watch a tape. All Lennie's saying is that there's a big difference in these girls afterwards. Like it or not, they seem to learn the lessons the lawyer's teaching.  
  
Abbie: [Glares at them.] Oh, that's great -- just great. Two New York City cops who can't recognize an assault when they see one?!?  
  
Lennie: What assault? They're none the worse for wear. A little redder, maybe...  
  
Mike: And, ya know? No one really seems to be very surprised. Looks to me like they knew about this up front.  
  
Abbie: I've got news for you, Detective. Your observations or opinions don't matter. The only thing that matters is New York state law -- which, I remind you, you are sworn to uphold -- and New York state law says that no one can consent to assault.  
  
Anita: Come on, Abbie -- lighten up. They didn't even know about this until after the man was dead.  
  
Lennie: No one can consent to assault, huh? Ya know, maybe I've missed it, but I haven't seen the DA's office out shutting down S&M clubs lately.  
  
Mike: Or boxing matches.  
  
Abbie: [Snaps.] That's different.  
  
Lennie: Yeah? How?  
  
Anita: How is any of this relevant?  
  
Abbie: Well, I'll tell you, Anita. If this is what was happening to Tiffany Fountain just before Mr. Morton died, she's going to have a good case for self-defense. That's how it's relevant.  
  
Lennie: Self-defense? You gotta be kidding! She crushed the guy's skull, for crying out loud!  
  
Abbie: She used means immediately available to defend herself against a violent sexual assault.  
  
Mike: Violent sexual assault? He was slapping her a...  
  
Anita: Detective!  
  
Abbie: Look, this isn't getting us anywhere. Let's just agree to disagree on this for now and figure out what we're going to do next.  
  
Lennie: I was gonna watch another tape.  
  
Anita: No, you're not.  
  
Abbie: Does Mr. Morton have a wife?  
  
Mike: Yup. She's also a lawyer with a much more upscale practice than his. She's out of town, and no one's been able to get in touch with her yet.  
  
Abbie: Stay on that. I want you to talk to her as soon as she can be located and find out what she may know about her husband's interesting little theory. And let's have a chat with that secretary. Bring her in now.  
  
Lennie: [Groans.] Now?  
  
Abbie: Yes, now. I'd like you to find out more from her about Morton's clients and practice before we arrest Tiffany Fountain. Meanwhile, I'm going to have a look at the records of his court appearances.  
  
Mike: I guess it's no more movies for us.  
  
Lennie: [Sighs.] Well, it was fun while it lasted.  
  
END SCENE SEVEN.  
  
  
  
SCENE EIGHT: Outside interview room of 27th Precinct. As Lennie enters with coffee cup, Anita is watching Mike and the secretary Sharon Coley through the one-way glass.  
  
Anita: She sure doesn't like you guys very much. What did you do to her?  
  
Lennie: [Sipping coffee.] Discovered her boss's little secret.  
  
Anita: By the way, the lab called while you were out. Fountain is a winner for the prints on the statue -- no contest.  
  
Lennie: All we've got to do now is hope she goes straight home after work.  
  
Anita: If she's even at work.  
  
Lennie: You think she skipped? I mean, if she were going to do that, why did she take the time to go home and change into her work clothes? And the neighbor said that she didn't have anything with her but a purse.  
  
Anita: To throw us off? I don't know... If she does just show back at her apartment, there's just going to be something that's too easy about all of this. Why would she kill the man, go home, change, go to work, and walk right into our arms?  
  
Lennie: Well, you saw the tapes. That guy's clients aren't exactly what you would call a brain trust.  
  
Anita: True, but something just isn't tracking here...  
  
Lennie: It's not every day a guy gets himself murdered mid-spanking, that's for sure.  
  
Anita: We're not certain yet that that's what happened. And if it is, it could be self-defense, like Abbie said.  
  
Lennie: Abbie's full of...  
  
Anita: [Interrupts him.] Do not start that again, please.  
  
Lennie: Well, I don't want to stay up half the night to arrest Tiffany Fountain and then have Miss Bleeding Heart Carmichael pat her on the head and say, "That's all right, dear. It's perfectly understandable that you would splatter your lawyer's brains halfway across his office."  
  
Anita: Hey, no one's ever called Abbie Carmichael a bleeding heart before.  
  
Lennie: That's what I mean. From a judge, it wouldn't surprise me, but a ADA?!? What's with her?  
  
Anita: Look, it's a decision that's going to be made higher up the food chain. We'll just do what we do. Meanwhile, it doesn't look like Mike is getting anywhere with Ms Coley.  
  
Lennie: Bet her boss could straighten her out. In fact, he did. She was on one of the tapes, you know. If it worked once...  
  
Anita: You better not even be thinking what I think you might be thinking, Lennie! Just go help Mike.  
  
END SCENE EIGHT.  
  
  
  
SCENE NINE: Interview room. Mike is slumped back in a chair. He's tapping a pencil on the table and regarding a very stony Sharon.  
  
[Lennie enters.]  
  
Lennie: Everyone having fun?  
  
Sharon: What are you doing here?  
  
Lennie: [Evenly.] Me? I work here, remember?  
  
Sharon: I thought you went away.  
  
Lennie: Just to get some coffee. Would you like some? Maybe a soda?  
  
Sharon: No.  
  
Mike: Now, that wasn't very polite, Sharon. Det. Briscoe here very nicely offered you some refreshment, and you don't even say, "No, thank you"? Would your boss have approved of that? We understand he was very big on ladies' behaving politely.  
  
Sharon: Polite? What do you know about polite? You come and drag me here in the middle of the night. You call that "polite?"  
  
Lennie: It's only 8:30, Sharon -- not the middle of the night. And we did very politely ask you if you wanted to help us find out what happened to Mr. Morton. You agreed, and here we all are. So, what's your problem?  
  
Sharon: If you want me to, like, identify someone, fine. But I can't tell you this other stuff he's asking.  
  
Lennie: Can't or won't?  
  
Sharon: I'm not allowed to. Mr. Morton said so.  
  
Mike: [Throws up his hands.] You try, Lennie. I'm not getting through.  
  
Lennie: Look, Sharon, we appreciate that you feel loyal to your boss, but, unfortunately, he's dead. And we have to figure out why. We can only do that if you tell us about what went on in his office.  
  
Sharon: I told you already. Tiffany Fountain came in, she left, and I found Mr. Morton dead. That's what went on.  
  
Lennie: [Patiently.] But, see, we don't mean just today. We need to know about what went on on a daily basis.  
  
Sharon: [Primly.] I work for a lawyer. I have to be discreet about that.  
  
Lennie: [Very calmly.] Discreet -- okay, discreet is good. Did Mr. Morton teach you that?  
  
Sharon: [Nods.] Yes.  
  
Mike: Sharon, did Mr. Morton teach you a lot of things?  
  
Sharon: [Sadly.] Yeah, he did. I'm really gonna miss him. I was in trouble, and he... Well, he helped me a lot.  
  
Lennie: What kind of trouble were you in, Sharon?  
  
Sharon: [She looks down, embarrassed.] Shoplifting. Got caught one too many times. I really thought I was going to go to jail.  
  
Mike: [Prompting her.] And...  
  
Sharon: Mr. Morton... Well, he fixed it up so that the court thing went real well. I got probation. And then he even helped me go to secretarial school.  
  
Lennie: Back when you were in trouble, how did you find Mr. Morton?  
  
Sharon: What do you mean? I found him at his office, of course.  
  
Lennie: [Sighs.] I mean, how did you find out about him? Did you look in the yellow pages?  
  
Sharon: No.  
  
Mike: Well, how then?  
  
Sharon: A friend.  
  
Lennie: How did your friend know about Mr. Morton?  
  
Sharon: She was in trouble too, but Mr. Morton helped her.  
  
Mike: So, you went to Mr. Morton and told him you were a friend of one of his clients?  
  
Sharon: Yeah, sure.  
  
Lennie: Okay, Sharon, this is important. Before you went to see Mr. Morton, did your friend tell you anything about how he had helped her?  
  
Sharon: [Uncertainly.] Well, yeah.  
  
Mike: Did she say that there was anything unusual about how he had helped her?  
  
Sharon: [Confused now.] Um, I don't think I'm supposed to...  
  
Lennie: No, it's okay, Sharon. See, you're still being discreet, just like Mr. Morton taught you. You're not telling us about anything that you know about happening in his office. You're just telling us what your friend told you before you went to see him.  
  
[Sharon is processing this -- slowly.]  
  
Mike: And you know what else, Sharon? You'd really be helping us figure out how this happened to him. Mr. Morton did a lot for you, and he didn't deserve to die like that. I bet he'd be real proud of you for helping out.  
  
Sharon: [Slowly.] Well, I guess if you put it like that, it would be all right...  
  
END SCENE NINE.  
  
  
  
SCENE TEN: Outside the interview room where Anita is watching and listening.  
  
[Abbie enters.]  
  
Abbie: That the secretary? Get anything useful from her?  
  
Anita: She's finally talking now, but Briscoe and Logan really had to go around the mulberry bush a few times -- using all one-syllable words. What a ditzy girl! What'd you find out?  
  
Abbie: That Mr. Morton was very successful at what he did. He really pulled some hopeless looking clients out of the fire.  
  
Anita: Yeah, by setting some somewhere else.  
  
[Abbie glares at her.]  
  
Anita: I'm sorry, Abbie -- I couldn't resist.  
  
Abbie: Anyway, the judges were always really impressed. One even stated that it was a pleasure to have Mr. Morton and his clients in his court. Makes ya sick, doesn't it?  
  
Anita: I'm not getting in the middle on that one. No comment!  
  
[Lennie and Mike enter.]  
  
Lennie: Well, there you have it, Counselor. Mr. Morton did a completely by- word-of-mouth business. Every client he had knew the drill going in.  
  
Mike: Just like we thought from the tapes. Still sticking with your assault theory?  
  
Abbie: I told you, it's not a theory -- it's the law.  
  
Lennie: Maybe Mr. Morton down at the morgue would be interested in hearing that -- if he had a brain left to comprehend it.  
  
Abbie: He was a lawyer. He should have known better.  
  
Lennie: First time I ever heard you blame a victim.  
  
Mike: Look, Abbie, all we are saying is that a little spanking just doesn't stack up against a bashed-in skull. Forgive us if we don't feel too sorry for Tiffany Fountain.  
  
Abbie: Boy, you guys just don't get it, do you?  
  
Anita: May I remind everyone for about the third time that we still don't know what happened? It could be that it didn't have anything to do with all this spanking nonsense.  
  
Abbie: Anita's right. We've got to get Tiffany Fountain. Anything from your uniforms?  
  
Anita: Not yet. If she went to work around four, it's still going to be another hour or two before she might get off a shift.  
  
Abbie: Right. Well, meanwhile keep trying to track down the wife. Maybe it's late enough that she's gotten back to wherever she's supposed to be.  
  
Lennie: I'd like to be where I'm supposed to be -- home.  
  
Abbie: Call me when you have something.  
  
[Abbie leaves.]  
  
Lennie: DAs -- ya gotta love 'em.  
  
Mike: Or spank 'em.  
  
Anita: [Leaves with hands over her ears.] I didn't hear that! I didn't hear that!  
  
END SCENE TEN.  
  
  
  
SCENE ELEVEN: 27th Precinct's squad room. 12:30am. Lennie and Mike are propping their heads up on their desks, barely awake.  
  
[Anita enters.]  
  
Anita: Guys, up and at 'em. Tiffany Fountain is just entering her apartment building.  
  
Mike: [Mumbling.] Are they sure it's her?  
  
Anita: They have her mug shot, remember?  
  
Lennie: [Stretching.] Well, the uniforms will bring her in.  
  
Anita: No, you will. You are the ones who know what you're looking for.  
  
Mike: [Wearily.] And what is that again?  
  
Anita: The tape that may have been recording.  
  
Lennie: Nah, that's okay. I've seen enough spanking for one day. Maybe tomorrow.  
  
Anita: [Glaring.] It's the murdering part we're interested in -- not the spanking!  
  
Lennie: Speak for yourself.  
  
Anita: You guys have about ten seconds...  
  
Mike: Okay, okay -- we're out of here.  
  
[Lennie and Mike grab their jackets and leave.]  
  
END SCENE ELEVEN.  
  
  
  
SCENE TWELVE: Tiffany Fountain's apartment. Lennie and Mike are knocking on the door. A pretty but very vacant-looking young woman opens the still- chained door.  
  
Lennie: [Holds up his badge.] Police! Are you Miss Tiffany Fountain?  
  
Tiffany: Yeah. So, you guys are the cops, huh?  
  
Mike: Yes. Open the door, please.  
  
Tiffany: Sure. No prob. Just a sec. [Unchains door.]  
  
[Lennie and Mike enter apartment.]  
  
Lennie: Miss Fountain, we have a warrant for your arrest for the murder of Mr. Edward Morton and a warrant to search this apartment.  
  
Tiffany: Well, ya know, I didn't know whether to go ahead and go to bed or not.  
  
[Lennie and Mike exchange puzzled glances at this apparent non sequitur.]  
  
Mike: Miss Fountain, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to speak to an attorney, and to have an attorney present during any questioning. If you cannot afford a lawyer, one will be provided for you at government expense.  
  
Tiffany: That is so cool. You say that just like on TV.  
  
Lennie: [Grasps her shoulder.] Miss Fountain, look at me -- let me see your eyes.  
  
Mike: Have you been taking anything? Smoking anything?  
  
Tiffany: Oh, you mean like drugs?  
  
Mike: Yes, I mean like drugs.  
  
Tiffany: Yeah, I did -- once.  
  
Lennie: Tonight?  
  
Tiffany: A long time ago. I didn't like it.  
  
Lennie: Her eyes are clear. I don't think she's high.  
  
Tiffany: [A bit confused.] Uh, I didn't think I was supposed to be in trouble for drugs.  
  
[Lennie and Mike, a bit disoriented, miss a beat.]  
  
Mike: No, we're not interested in that. What we do want to know about is a videotape.  
  
Tiffany: Oh, you mean the one from Mr. Morton's office?  
  
Lennie: That's the one. Will you give it to us?  
  
Tiffany: Well, duhhhhh. Yeah, sure. That's the whole deal, isn't it?  
  
Lennie: [Clearly confused.] Deal? What whole deal?  
  
Tiffany: It's, like, evidence and stuff, isn't it? The self-defense? I thought you guys would know that.  
  
Mike: [Trying to process her apparently incriminating reply.] Miss Fountain, are you sure you understood your rights as I read them to you?  
  
Tiffany: The TV stuff? Yeah, I get it about that. And I sign something, too, right?  
  
Lennie: Yeah. I guess you remember that from last time you were arrested?  
  
Tiffany: Uh, were you supposed to know about that?  
  
Lennie: You thought we wouldn't find out?  
  
Tiffany: I don't remember that part. Oh, well, I guess it's okay.  
  
[Lennie and Mike exchange rather helpless looks.]  
  
Mike: Look, Miss Fountain, we're going to have to cuff you to take you to the precinct. You understand?  
  
Tiffany: [Holding out her hands.] Works for me.  
  
END SCENE TWELVE.  
  
  
  
SCENE THIRTEEN: 27th Precinct squad room. Lennie and Mike are escorting Tiffany Fountain.  
  
Lennie: Lt. Van Buren, you will be pleased to meet the long-awaited Tiffany Fountain.  
  
[Tiffany giggles at that.]  
  
Anita: [Taken aback.] Miss Fountain, are you okay?  
  
Tiffany: Yeah, sure. You?  
  
Anita: [Slowly, regarding Tiffany with some puzzlement.] Yes, thank you. [To Lennie and Mike.] Did you get the tape?  
  
Mike: Right here.  
  
Anita: Det. Profaci, will you take Miss Fountain to the interview room? We have a little business to take care of first.  
  
[Profaci leads Tiffany away.]  
  
Anita: What in the world is the matter with that girl?  
  
Lennie: You mean besides making the secretary look like a rocket scientist?  
  
Mike: I don't think she's entirely competent.  
  
Anita: Oh, great. How are we going to get an evaluation at this time of night?  
  
Lennie: We don't need one. She's competent, all right.  
  
Mike: [Gives him a surprised look.] She hasn't said two words that make sense.  
  
Lennie: Think about it, Mike. She wasn't surprised to see us, she was tossing around words like "evidence" and "self-defense," and she seemed to be trying to stick to some sort of script but not doing a very good job of it.  
  
Anita: What are you saying, Lennie?  
  
Lennie: She's not in this alone. There's someone else out there.  
  
Anita: You really think so?  
  
Lennie: I'd bet on it. And it's someone with some brains -- not one of Morton's dimwits.  
  
Anita: [Sighs.] I really didn't want this to get complicated. Well, okay -- let's take a look at that tape, get a statement from the girl, get her booked, and wrap this up at least for tonight.  
  
Mike: Amen to that.  
  
END SCENE THIRTEEN.  
  
  
  
SCENE FOURTEEN: The 27th's conference room. Anita, Lennie, and Mike are watching the videotape. Sounds from the screen similar to those of the earlier scene.  
  
Anita: So far, it's pretty much like the others.  
  
Lennie: Yeah. What a ho-hum routine. Imagine having a boring job like that.  
  
Mike: Wait a minute -- she's fighting back. None of the others did that. Hey, she is really fighting!  
  
Anita: And he seems surprised.  
  
Mike: Look, she's loose, and... And she's got the statue...  
  
[The moment of Mr. Morton's death registers on their faces.]  
  
Mike: [Whispering.] Wow, she's got some swing. Must work out.  
  
Lennie: And good aim. But something bothers me here.  
  
Anita: That a man got killed?  
  
Lennie: Yeah, that. But it kind of looked to me like he was going to let her up. Run it back a minute.  
  
Mike: That would sure toss the self-defense theory in the crapper. Here it is... I don't know -- it happens pretty fast. What do you think?  
  
Anita: I think I'm glad that's for the DA's office to figure out. Well, let's go talk to the little slugger.  
  
END SCENE FOURTEEN  
  
  
  
SCENE FIFTEEN: 27th's interview room. Anita, Lennie, Mike, and Tiffany are seated at the table.  
  
Tiffany: ...and I saw the statue. I grabbed it. And, well -- well that's pretty much it.  
  
Mike: Tiffany, you've got to know that there's a lot here that doesn't add up.  
  
Tiffany: I don't understand. It's all on the tape. What's the problem?  
  
Lennie: For openers, why'd you do it?  
  
Tiffany: He was attacking me. He wouldn't stop even though I was yelling for him to stop. It was self-defense.  
  
Anita: Miss Fountain, was Mr. Morton really hurting you that badly?  
  
Tiffany: Oh, well -- you saw the tape, right? It was terrible! Terrible!  
  
Lennie: So terrible that you had to kill him?  
  
Tiffany: He was attacking me. It was self-defense.  
  
Mike: Well, you know, there's something kind of interesting... This wasn't your first visit to Mr. Morton, was it?  
  
Tiffany: No.  
  
Mike: How many times had you been to see him before?  
  
Tiffany: Twice -- I think.  
  
Lennie: And didn't he "attack" you then also?  
  
Tiffany: Yes, that's right.  
  
Lennie: Why didn't you kill him then?  
  
Tiffany: Because I thought he would stop.  
  
Lennie: Why did you ever even go back to see a man who had "attacked" you?  
  
Tiffany: Uhhhhh, because I thought he would stop.  
  
Lennie: [Under his breath.] And I think the needle's stuck.  
  
Anita: You talked to someone about this, didn't you, Tiffany?  
  
Tiffany: Oh, no.  
  
Lennie: You're lying, Tiffany.  
  
Tiffany: I told you what I'm supposed to. He was attacking me. It was self-defense.  
  
Lennie: Who told you what you were supposed to say?  
  
Tiffany: No one.  
  
Mike: Try the truth, Tiffany. You're not a good liar.  
  
Tiffany: I don't know what you mean.  
  
[Frustration level obviously rising when there is a tap at the door, and a very confused-looking Profaci opens it.]  
  
Profaci: Lieutenant, I'm sorry, but this wom-... Mrs. Mor..  
  
[A woman in a business suit pushes her way past Profaci.]  
  
Mrs. Morton: I'm Denise Morton.  
  
Anita: Mrs. Morton?!? The victim's wife?!? [Stands up.] PROFACI! What in hell were you thinking??? Mrs. Morton, I'm so sorry. This shouldn't have happened. Please, let's go...  
  
[Mrs. Morton and Profaci speak at the same time, making it difficult to sort out what's going on.]  
  
Profaci: I couldn't help it, Lieutenant. She said she's the lawyer for... Mrs. Morton: You don't understand, Lieutenant. I'm not...  
  
Anita: Quiet, everyone! You first, Mrs. Morton.  
  
Mrs. Morton: I'm not here as the grieving widow. I'm here as an attorney.  
  
Anita: Whose attorney?  
  
Mrs. Morton: Miss Fountain's, if she'll have me. [Turns and extends her hand to Tiffany.] Miss Fountain, I'm Denise Morton. Do you want a lawyer?  
  
Tiffany: Uh, I get to have a lawyer. They said so. Yes.  
  
Anita: Now, just a damn minute! This can't...  
  
Mrs. Morton: I think I have a client, and I want your questions to her to stop now. Please leave us alone.  
  
Anita: Mrs. Morton, why in the world would you want...  
  
Mrs. Morton: I have my reasons, and they need not concern you.  
  
Anita: But you can't...  
  
Mrs. Morton: I assure you, I can. Now, please leave me alone with my client.  
  
END SCENE FIFTEEN.  
  
  
  
SCENE SIXTEEN: Outside the interview room. Mrs. Morton and Tiffany are conferring within. They can be seen but not heard through the one-way glass.  
  
Mike: [Swiveling his head as though in whiplash.] What in the hell just went on in there? Can she do that? A victim's wife?  
  
Anita: [Clearly frustrated.] What do I look like -- the damn Ethics Committee? I don't know.  
  
[Lennie says nothing; seems to be thinking.]  
  
Mike: You seem awfully calm, Lennie. Don't you get what just happened?  
  
Lennie: [Thoughtfully.] Actually, I think I do get it. It's her -- it's Mrs. Morton.  
  
Mike: You think she set this up?  
  
Lennie: Yeah. It's perfect. She wants hubby dead for whatever reason, and she has a ready-made pool of likely suspects, many of whom are probably stupid enough to be talked into doing it for her. Then she shows up as the lawyer, and the doer can't talk to anyone but her. And, bingo, the two of them pull off the self-defense crap. Like I said -- perfect.  
  
Anita: That's pretty incredible, Lennie. Would she really think she could get away with it?  
  
Lennie: [Gestures to the window.] Apparently, she does.  
  
END SCENE SIXTEEN.  
  
END ACT ONE 


	2. Act Two

ACT TWO  
  
SCENE ONE: Office of EADA Jack McCoy. 9:00am the next morning. Jack is seated at his desk; Abbie is standing.  
  
Jack: [His famous incredulous look.] He was doing WHAT?  
  
Abbie: You heard me.  
  
Jack: His clients?!? All of them?!?  
  
Abbie: It would seem so.  
  
Jack: I don't believe it!  
  
Abbie: Well, the police are going to be here with the tapes in a minute. You can watch them yourself.  
  
Jack: [Wonderingly.] How'd he get away with it, do you suppose?  
  
Abbie: You know, Jack, you sound just a little too envious for my taste.  
  
Jack: Oh, come on -- you've got to admit that it's funny!  
  
Abbie: Do you see me laughing? God, what is it with you men anyway?  
  
Jack: [Blinks.] Us men? Where is that coming from?  
  
[Anita, Lennie, and Mike enter. Lennie and Mike are each carrying a box of videotapes.]  
  
Lennie: Good morning, Counselor. Here's a bit of evidence for your viewing pleasure -- and I do mean pl...  
  
Anita: Lennie!  
  
Abbie: [Snaps.] That's what I'm talking about right there! How do you put up with this, Anita?  
  
Anita: I'm in it for Lennie's french fries.  
  
Jack: [Grinning.] So, Detectives Briscoe and Logan, you caught this case? I might have known. How, um, interesting for you.  
  
Mike: Yeah, and lemme tell ya, it's been a real highlight of my career to get to the bottom of this one.  
  
[Jack, Lennie, and Mike trying hard not to laugh but without much success.]  
  
Abbie: May I remind you gentlemen that a man is dead?  
  
Anita: Oh, no one's likely to forget that, Abbie -- not after they see this anyway. [Takes from her bag a single videotape.] The piece de resistance. Lennie and Mike brought it in last night after you left.  
  
Abbie: I heard this morning that you had arrested Tiffany Fountain, but I didn't know you got the tape.  
  
Jack: You mean he taped his own murder? We don't usually get this lucky.  
  
Lennie: You can say that again!  
  
[Anita glares at him.]  
  
Lennie: What? I was only agreeing with him.  
  
Abbie: Can it, Briscoe!  
  
Lennie: What a delightfully appropriate choice of words, Miss Carmichael!  
  
Abbie: Anita, I swear to God, if you don't do something about him...  
  
Mike: [Holding up his hands.] People, people -- we're all professionals here, right?  
  
Lennie: Absolutely.  
  
Jack: You said it, Logan. Professionals. Through and through.  
  
Abbie: Yeah, right. Can you then, please, try to act like it?  
  
Lennie: I'll behave. I promise.  
  
[Abbie rolls her eyes at him.]  
  
Jack: In any case, you people don't have to worry about it anymore. You've given us a great gift package -- suspect and evidence. Good job. Thank you. We can take it from here.  
  
[Anita, Lennie, and Mike exchange uneasy glances.]  
  
Lennie: Uh, as happy as we are to bask in your unaccustomed praise, Jack, I think our job isn't done. There are one or two other things here you should know.  
  
Anita: And something Abbie sure as hell should know before she goes to that arraignment this morning. We better all sit down.  
  
END SCENE ONE.  
  
  
  
SCENE TWO: Jack's office after the police have left. Jack and Abbie seated, one looking more dejected than the other.  
  
Abbie: Think this case is so amusing now, Jack?  
  
Jack: I liked the spanking part a whole lot better.  
  
Abbie: [Waves a hand helplessly in the air but doesn't even bother otherwise to respond to Jack's remark.] She can't do this, can she?  
  
Jack: The more relevant question is what are we going to do about it? Preferably before Adam finds out?  
  
Abbie: Well, think fast because I've got to be at that arraignment in one hour, and then not only Adam Schiff but the whole damn world is going to hear about it.  
  
Jack: Any ideas?  
  
Abbie: We'll go to the judge. Even one from Mars should be able to see the obvious conflict of interest here. How can a victim's wife zealously defend her husband's accused killer?  
  
Jack: I don't think it's going to matter what you or I or the judge think about that. I can't think of one of them brain-dead enough to deny the defendant her free choice of attorney. It would be grounds for reversal if I've ever heard them.  
  
Abbie: And if what the police think is true, there is no way Tiffany Fountain will dump Mrs. Morton.  
  
Jack: What if the police are wrong? Did you hear anything about their having proof that Mrs. Morton is behind this?  
  
Abbie: Seems at this stage to be mainly a theory of Briscoe's, but, as much as I hate to say it -- and I really do -- I have this sinking feeling that he's right.  
  
Jack: So, what do we do? With no evidence, we can't go to a judge and accuse defense counsel of being a murderer.  
  
Abbie: And we can't question her because she'll claim privilege. Of course, the girl is a weak link...  
  
Jack: More like the missing link from what I hear, but Morton would never let us get anywhere near her.  
  
Abbie: [Takes a deep breath.] There is one thing we can do.  
  
[Jack raises his eyebrows.]  
  
Abbie: Take the self-defense plea. Make this all go away.  
  
Jack: You can't be serious!  
  
Abbie: Why not? We've got Mr. Morton on tape beating Tiffany Fountain.  
  
Jack: "Beating"? That's a stretch, isn't it?  
  
Abbie: Jack, we don't even have to debate that if we take the plea.  
  
Jack: And if the police are right and Denise Morton really is the one responsible?  
  
Abbie: You said yourself that we don't have any evidence.  
  
Jack: And you said yourself that you think Briscoe might be correct.  
  
[At an impasse, they sit in silence for a moment.]  
  
Abbie: [Looks at her watch.] We still don't have a plan.  
  
Jack: Well, this isn't even remotely a plan, but this is what we're going to do: You go to the arraignment. The charge is Murder Two.  
  
Abbie: Murder Two?!?  
  
Jack: I know, I know -- but it might frighten her into rolling on Mrs. Morton. Meanwhile, getting Morton removed probably is hopeless, but just for the record we'll go through all the motions of pointing out how inappropriate it is. And we'll get the cops all over her -- look for a motive, and find any connection there's ever been between Denise Morton and Tiffany Fountain, even if they ever attended the same game at Yankee Stadium. If she planned this, she has to have tripped up somewhere.  
  
Abbie: And you better go prepare Adam. If we're not going to take the self- defense plea, every women's group in the country will be on the courthouse steps in time for the five o'clock news. And can't ya just see the Post, Jack? [Gets up, leans on his desk, and points as though she's reading a newspaper headline.] "'SPANKS, BUT NO SPANKS,' D.A. SAYS TO ASSAULT VICTIM'S SELF-DEFENSE PLEA." And then we have later tonight to look forward to -- once Leno and Letterman get hold of it.  
  
Jack: [Morosely.] You're right. It's not so amusing now.  
  
END SCENE TWO.  
  
  
  
SCENE THREE: 27th Precinct, the next morning. Mike is at his desk, and Lennie is just arriving.  
  
Lennie: Hey, Mike! Did ya hear Jay Leno last night? He stole your line about getting to the bottom of the case!  
  
Mike: Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna sue.  
  
[Having overheard, Anita enters.]  
  
Anita: Well, before you consult your attorney, Logan, would you mind filling me in on what you guys found out yesterday?  
  
Lennie: Zilch.  
  
Anita: Zilch? You spend the entire day investigating Denise Morton, and all you have to say is "zilch?"  
  
Mike: Uh, remember, technically we're developing evidence related to the victim. Carmichael made it clear that we'd get our heads handed to us if it looks like we're even thinking about investigating a defense counsel.  
  
Anita: I know that, but I also know that you guys know how to do it without looking like it, and I want to know what you've found out besides "zilch."  
  
Lennie: Denise Morton is an upstanding citizen, a respected lawyer, and the neighbors never heard a peep out of either her or the husband. Zilch.  
  
Anita: Never heard any, um...?  
  
Lennie: [Blinks in mock innocence.] Any...? Any what, Lieutenant?  
  
Anita: Damn it, Briscoe -- don't start!  
  
Mike: Well, we hardly could ask that, could we? But, no -- as far as we could tell, no one ever heard anything.  
  
Anita: Financials? Any motive there?  
  
Lennie: There's a fair amount of insurance accumulated gradually over the last ten years or so, but I think it's a dead end. One, she would have had to have been planning this for an awfully long time. Two, I don't think it's enough to kill for.  
  
Anita: How much is "not enough to kill for?"  
  
Lennie: [Consults his notes.] About three-hundred grand.  
  
Anita: We've had a lot of people through here who have killed for less -- much less.  
  
Mike: Yeah, but, according to their tax return, she makes at least that herself every couple of years. Why risk it?  
  
Anita: Anything stand out in that return? Anything at all unusual?  
  
Lennie: Very straightforward. Hey, it looked less complicated than mine, except for more zeros.  
  
Anita: There's got to be something. That is, if we're still sure she did it.  
  
Lennie: Oh, she did it all right. I was watching Tiffany Fountain when Morton stormed into the IR. They knew each other before that phony introduction bit.  
  
Anita: Well, then I suggest you find some way of finding out something. Go back and talk to the secretary.  
  
Mike: [Groans.] Sharon "Brain Surgeon" Coley?!? I don't think I could go through that again!  
  
Anita: Find the strength.  
  
END SCENE THREE.  
  
  
  
SCENE FOUR: Street, outside 27th Precinct. Lennie and Mike are getting in the car.  
  
Lennie: Cheer up, Mike. Coley's IQ can't be that many points lower than most of the girls you date.  
  
Mike: Ha. Ha. Ha. Only problem is we're not trying to date her.  
  
Lennie: Yeah, this could get tricky.  
  
Mike: Right. Denise Morton can't stop us from talking to Coley, but we can't stop Morton from talking to her.  
  
Lennie: Just what I was thinking. Maybe we better go see Carmichael first and see if she can give us any legal mumbo-jumbo cover before we step in it bigtime.  
  
END SCENE FOUR.  
  
  
  
SCENE FIVE: Office of DA Adam Schiff. With him are Jack and Abbie.  
  
Adam: [Grumpily.] This whole spanking attorney case is giving me a pain in the butt.  
  
[Jack smiles.]  
  
Abbie: Just why is it that all you m...  
  
Jack: [Holds up a hand to silence her.] Adam is just making an observation.  
  
Adam: And since when do my observations need to be interpreted?  
  
Jack: I just meant...  
  
Adam: Save it, and explain to me instead what you "just meant" by a Murder Two charge.  
  
Abbie: We're hoping to scare her.  
  
Adam: And is she scared?  
  
Jack: We don't know. Denise Morton is refusing our offers to talk.  
  
Adam: Great, just great. And meanwhile, have you seen this Op Ed piece by Kim Gandy? You think I need NOW all over me? Women vote, you know. Drop the charge to Man Two.  
  
Jack: Adam! This is probably a murder for hire!  
  
Adam: And where is your proof of that?  
  
Jack: Well,...  
  
Adam: You don't have any, do you? And I'm being crucified.  
  
Jack: The cops are...  
  
Adam: You tell your cops that they have exactly twenty-four hours from right now to bring you something solid that says this homicide was anything other than what it looks like on that tape.  
  
[Phone on Adam's desk rings, and he answers it.]  
  
Adam: Yes? I'll tell her. Thank you. [Hangs up.] Miss Carmichael, Detectives Briscoe and Logan would like to see you.  
  
Abbie: [Groans and heads for door.] I suppose they're here to try out their latest uproarious spanking puns on me. I can hardly wait.  
  
Adam: Keep your pants on!  
  
[Abbie glares and exits, almost but not quite slamming door. Jack and Adam can be heard chuckling.]  
  
END SCENE FIVE.  
  
  
  
SCENE SIX: Abbie Carmichael's office. Lennie and Mike are waiting, and she enters.  
  
Abbie: Well?  
  
Lennie: And a cheerful "good morning" to you, too.  
  
Mike: [Stage whisper.] Lennie, I don't think we're her favorite people right now.  
  
Lennie: Relax, Counselor. We're not here to give you a hard time.  
  
Abbie: If I only could believe that. Just please tell me that you've come up with something on Denise Morton.  
  
Lennie: Uh, not yet.  
  
Abbie: Then you're here...? Why?  
  
Mike: See, Van Buren thinks we should talk to the secretary again, but there's really not anything more we really can ask her about her boss, so...  
  
Abbie: ...you're gonna have to go after her about Mrs. Morton. I see the problem.  
  
Lennie: So, how do we pull it off? Can you get a material witness order or something?  
  
Abbie: And lock her up? That's a little extreme. Besides, we'd have to show that she knows something of value that would help convict Tiffany Fountain, and we already have her statement about that.  
  
Mike: Could we maybe -- oh, I don't know -- maybe, like, lose her for a little while?  
  
Abbie: [Thinking.] I wonder... Something like that just might be possible... Okay, gentlemen, you've just become the Prize Patrol. Go tell Sharon Coley that she's won an all expense-paid stay at the hotel of her choice -- within reason. Room service, free HBO, anything else you can think of to make it an attractive offer. I'll square it with Jack.  
  
Lennie: She might go for it.  
  
Abbie: See that she does because she may be your one shot. Schiff has given you guys exactly twenty-four hours to come up with something before Jack will have to drop the charge to Man Two.  
  
END SCENE SIX.  
  
  
  
SCENE SEVEN: Sharon Coley's apartment. Lennie and Mike are walking down hallway, approaching her door.  
  
Mike: Don't you wonder how such a ditz was ever able to work in a lawyer's office?  
  
Lennie: Keep in mind, Mike, that with what Morton had going on, he probably didn't want a Ph.D. for a secretary.  
  
Mike: [Laughs.] You've got a point there.  
  
[They knock on the door, and Sharon Coley opens it with the chain on but slams it when she sees them.]  
  
Mike: [Yelling through closed door.] Come on, Sharon -- open up! We need to talk.  
  
[Sharon opens door again, still with the chain on it.]  
  
Sharon: I don't like you! [Slams door again.]  
  
[Lennie and Mike both sigh deeply.]  
  
Lennie: [Through door.] You don't have to like us, Sharon, but you do have to talk to us.  
  
Sharon: [Heard through door.] I don't want to. Go away.  
  
Mike: [Through door.] Sharon, you don't want us to break your door down, do you? Your landlord would make you pay for it, you know.  
  
Sharon: [Opens door, still chained.] Don't do that, please. I don't have a job now. You know that.  
  
Lennie: Just open the door, Sharon.  
  
Sharon: [Reluctantly.] Okay, okay.  
  
[Sharon closes the door, unchains it, and opens it again.]  
  
Sharon: What do you want now?  
  
Lennie: [Pushes door open farther.] You're going to invite us in, aren't you?  
  
Sharon: No, I wasn't going to.  
  
Lennie: [Pushes door all the way open, and he and Mike walk past Sharon into the apartment.] After that good time we all had the other night? I thought you would be glad to see us again.  
  
Sharon: I didn't have a good time. I had a horrible time.  
  
Lennie: Well, see, Sharon, that's why we're here. Maybe we can make that up to you. Why don't we all sit down and have a chat?  
  
Sharon: I don't want to chat with you.  
  
Mike: Sure you do. [Puts his hand on her shoulder and firmly but not roughly pushes her down on the couch.] Have a seat, Sharon.  
  
[Lennie and Mike sit also.]  
  
Lennie: Now isn't this nice? Three old friends having a friendly chat.  
  
Sharon: [Crossing her arms stubbornly.] You're not my friends. Mr. Morton was my friend. He was nice to me -- not like you.  
  
Lennie: Nice like Mr. Morton??? You want us to be nice like Mr. Morton?  
  
Sharon: Yes.  
  
Mike: Lennie, don't go there. Let's try something else.  
  
Lennie: I'm open to suggestions.  
  
[Phone rings. Sharon gets up to answer it, but Mike grasps her shoulder and keeps her seated.]  
  
Mike: Let it ring, Sharon.  
  
Sharon: But I can't. It might be... [Doesn't finish.]  
  
Lennie: Might be who? Mrs. Morton?  
  
Sharon: Let me go! I gotta answer it.  
  
Mike: No, you don't. You're talking to us now, and it is not polite to interrupt a conversation with company to answer the phone.  
  
[Phone has rung three or four times by now.]  
  
Sharon: [Twisting to get out of Mike's grasp.] It's not polite not to let someone answer their phone!  
  
[Phone rings twice more and stops.]  
  
Mike: Take it off the hook, Lennie.  
  
Lennie: [Does so.] Now who did you think was calling you, Sharon?  
  
Sharon: I don't have to tell you. She said so.  
  
Mike: Come on, Sharon -- cut the crap. We know you've been talking to Mrs. Morton.  
  
Sharon: She said not to talk to you.  
  
Lennie: Well, she can't tell you that. You always have to talk to the police.  
  
Sharon: I do?  
  
Mike: Yeah, especially when you're the last person besides a murderer to see a murder victim alive.  
  
Sharon: I guess I did do that, huh?  
  
Lennie: That's right. And just out of curiosity, I want to ask you something. Did Mrs. Morton call you the day Mr. Morton was killed?  
  
Sharon: Well, yeah.  
  
Lennie: When?  
  
Sharon: That night -- after I got home from the police station.  
  
Lennie: And you told her what you told us about Tiffany Fountain?  
  
Sharon: Sure.  
  
Lennie: [Looks at Mike.] Well, that explains a lot.  
  
Mike: Have you talked to her since then?  
  
Sharon: Yeah, sure. She called me yesterday and said that I shouldn't talk to you guys and that she'd call back today and we'd make a time to get together and she would explain things to me.  
  
[Lennie and Mike almost imperceptibly nod at each other.]  
  
Sharon: So, like, you made me miss her phone call, and that wasn't very nice. Can you go now?  
  
Lennie: We're not going anywhere, Sharon, because there are some important things you need to understand about this case.  
  
Sharon: Well, explain them quick.  
  
Mike: [Under his breath.] Good luck.  
  
Lennie: Do you know that Mrs. Morton is representing Tiffany Fountain?  
  
[Sharon looks blank.]  
  
Lennie: Defending her in court?  
  
Sharon: Uh, yeah -- that part was on the TV.  
  
Lennie: Well, see, the thing is -- don't you think that's a little strange?  
  
Sharon: I hadn't thought about it.  
  
Mike: Think about it now.  
  
[Sharon thinks, her eyes going from Lennie to Mike.]  
  
Sharon: Gee, I guess that is a little weird now that you mention it.  
  
Lennie: It's a lot weird. And do you understand what this means for you?  
  
Sharon: [Tries to think again but with no apparent success.] Uh, no.  
  
Mike: Let me put it this way, Sharon. Do you think Tiffany Fountain killed your boss?  
  
Sharon: I know she did. I don't have to be a smart detective like you guys to figure that out. She was there, she left, and he was dead. No one else was there.  
  
Lennie: Very good! [Gives her an encouraging smile.] Now here's something else we want to know... Do you think that it's true like some people are saying on TV that Tiffany Fountain was right to kill Mr. Morton?  
  
Sharon: No. I heard that on the TV, but what those people were saying isn't right about what happened.  
  
Mike: Tell us what you mean, Sharon.  
  
Sharon: Well, they say it like Mr. Morton was hurting her or something.  
  
Lennie: Well, wasn't he? You said yourself that you could hear her from outside his office.  
  
Sharon: Oh, that? [Shrugs.] That's nothing. I mean, yeah, he was hurting her, but just a little bit -- just so she'd learn how to behave good. He wouldn't have really hurt her. He wouldn't do that. That's just crazy. She didn't have to kill him!  
  
Mike: You know, I think we might all finally be preparing to land on the same planet here.  
  
Sharon: What?  
  
Lennie: Never mind. Now, we're going to have to ask you to think again, Sharon. Back to Mrs. Morton -- you do understand that she's going to go into court and say that what you told us isn't true?  
  
Sharon: Mrs. Morton would do that?  
  
Mike: Yes, she would. And if you talk to her anymore, she might try to get you to believe that what you said isn't true.  
  
Lennie: She might even try to get you to lie to us, Sharon.  
  
Sharon: I wouldn't do that. Mr. Morton wouldn't like it. He said always to tell the truth.  
  
Lennie: So, it would, like, make you feel very uncomfortable if Mrs. Morton came around here and tried to make you tell lies, wouldn't it?  
  
Sharon: [Nods.] I wouldn't like that at all.  
  
[Lennie and Mike exchange a look that says, "We're coming into the home stretch."]  
  
Lennie: And, so, it would probably be very awkward for you if she keeps trying to see you, right? I mean, she is your boss' widow and all. You'd probably feel really bad having to tell her to go away all the time.  
  
Sharon: Yeah. I'm not going to like it if she does that.  
  
Mike: Well, that's why we're here, Sharon. We want to help you.  
  
Sharon: [Suspicious.] Why would you want to help me? I don't even like you.  
  
Lennie: Nobody likes us -- we're the police. But it's our job to help you.  
  
Mike: And to help Mr. Morton. You don't want people to keep telling lies about him, do you?  
  
Sharon: No.  
  
Lennie: Well, then, Sharon -- how would you like to take a little vacation?  
  
END SCENE SEVEN.  
  
  
  
SCENE EIGHT: 27th Precinct, office of Lt. Van Buren. She and Abbie are consulting.  
  
Abbie: Anything yet from Briscoe and Logan?  
  
Anita: No, but I'm hoping they'll check in any time now.  
  
Abbie: I hope so because we don't have much time.  
  
Anita: Schiff is really feeling the heat on this one, isn't he?  
  
Abbie: That's putting it mildly.  
  
[Phone rings.]  
  
Anita: [Answers.] Van Buren. [Points to receiver and mouths to Abbie, "Logan."] What have you got? ... Good. ... Why does she want to talk to me? ... [Sighs.] Oh, for goodness sake -- put her on. ... Yes, Ms. Coley, this is Lt. Van Buren. ... Yes, I really am their boss. We met the other night, remember? ... No, Ms. Coley, you don't have to worry about that. ... Ms. Coley, yes, I promise you, they'll be fine. Don't worry. ... You're welcome. Please put Detective Logan back on. ... Mike? Abbie's here... ... I'll tell her. Just a moment. [To Abbie.] They're taking her to the Barrington. Anything you want to tell Logan?  
  
Abbie: Yeah, let me have the phone... Logan? Listen, get her into that hotel, and pull out all the stops. ... Yes. ... Anything at all she knows about Denise Morton -- get her to remember every time she ever laid eyes on the woman. ... Don't worry about that. We're assuming that there is no way Denise Morton knows anything about this. ... Yeah, okay. Call us back as soon as you get there. Good luck. ... 'Bye. [Hangs up phone.] Thank God, at least it sounds like they're making some progress. Why did the girl want to talk to you?  
  
Anita: Oh, you wouldn't believe it -- she suddenly went and got all 1950s on them. She was worried about would it be okay to go a hotel with two strange men.  
  
Abbie: Well, she's dead on there -- Briscoe and Logan are strange.  
  
[Anita smiles.]  
  
[Phone rings again.]  
  
Anita: [Answers.] Van Buren. [Listens.] Mmmmm-mmm. ... Mmmmm-mmm. ... Okay. I've got the ADA right here. Hang on a sec... Abbie, there's some trouble at Morton's office. Mrs. Morton is demanding entry. Says she wants to retrieve some of her husband's personal effects.  
  
Abbie: Yeah, right -- now she wants to play the grieving widow? No way. That's a crime scene, and she can't cross the line.  
  
Anita: Apparently, she's claiming that the outer office is not the crime scene, and that's where she wants to get into. Says she's going to go to a judge if we don't let her in.  
  
Abbie: Let her. The law says that a crime scene includes all possible exit and entry points. I could make the whole damn building the crime scene if I wanted to. I'll bet she doesn't have enough criminal experience to know that.  
  
Anita: [On the phone.] She doesn't get in -- not one foot past the yellow tape. ... She can scream all she wants -- she does not get in. Understood? ... Okay. Thanks. [Hangs up.]  
  
Abbie: Now, isn't that that interesting?  
  
Anita: It certainly is. Sounds like our widow is getting a little desperate. There's something in that office she wants awfully bad.  
  
Abbie: Just a minute... You said it was the outer office she wanted to enter -- the secretary's office?  
  
[Anita nods.]  
  
Abbie: Well, that's even more interesting. Do you suppose that it's something of Sharon Coley's that she wants? Maybe something she was planning on getting Coley to retrieve, and now that she can't find Coley...  
  
Anita: ...maybe she's getting a little nervous?  
  
Abbie: Exactly. And if we get lucky, maybe she'll get a lot nervous and tip her hand. When Briscoe and Logan call in, tell them to lean on Coley about whatever it is Morton might be interested in in her office. In fact, send one of them to the office while the other stays and talks to her. We don't have any time to lose.  
  
END SCENE EIGHT.  
  
  
  
SCENE NINE: Sharon Coley's room at the Barrington Hotel. Sharon is wandering around the room clicking the TV off and on with the remote, trying out the bed, opening drawers and closets, etc. Lennie and Mike are with her. Lennie is on the phone.  
  
Lennie: Lieu? ... Yeah, we have her here. Room 1623. ... She did? ... Well, I figured it was going to be just a matter of time. ... Yeah... ... Yeah, we can do that. ... Okay, we'll let you know when we have something. [Hangs up phone.]  
  
Mike: What's going on?  
  
Lennie: Well, it seems that everyone's favorite widow-lady has created quite a scene over at Morton's office.  
  
Mike: Really? What'd she want?  
  
Lennie: That's what we've got to get Sharon here to help us figure out. And Van Buren says that one of us should get over there right away and pick up whatever it is as soon as we find out what it is.  
  
Mike: Think this is gonna be easy?  
  
Lennie: Probably not, but we gotta try.  
  
Mike: Sharon -- Sharon, turn that off, please, and come over here and sit down. We have to talk.  
  
[Sharon reluctantly clicks off the TV and sits on a couch.]  
  
Sharon: Talk, talk, talk. You made me talk all morning.  
  
Lennie: Well, I'm sorry, but you're going to have to talk some more because we really need your help. Look, Det. Logan is going to stay here and ask you some more questions. I have to go somewhere else.  
  
Sharon: Yeah, I heard what you said, but I don't want to stay here alone with him. [Indicates Mike.]  
  
Mike: Look, Sharon, we don't have time for this...  
  
Sharon: Well, did that lady say which one of you had to stay?  
  
Lennie: No, but...  
  
Sharon: Then you stay. You're old -- er.  
  
Mike: [Laughs.] Ha-ha-ha, Lennie -- I guess it's official!  
  
Lennie: [A little annoyed.] Whatever. It doesn't matter. You go, and I'll call you when I've got something.  
  
Mike: Good luck. [Leaves.]  
  
Lennie: [Takes off his jacket, loosens his tie, and sits beside Sharon.] Sharon, we're going to have a long serious talk, and you are going to have to concentrate.  
  
Sharon: But I wanted to watch an HBO movie. And order room service. You said I could.  
  
Lennie: You can do that later. Now what I'm going to do is tell you what information we're looking for, and maybe you can tell me if you know it. That will be the fastest way.  
  
Sharon: [Sighs.] Oh, okay.  
  
Lennie: We need to know about anything you know that would put your boss' wife and Tiffany Fountain together.  
  
Sharon: Put them together?  
  
Lennie: Do you know if they ever met each other?  
  
Sharon: [Thinking.] Ummmm, I don't know... It's hard to remember...  
  
Lennie: Do you know if Mrs. Morton ever met any of her husband's clients?  
  
Sharon: Yeah, I think there were those few times...  
  
Lennie: What few times?  
  
Sharon: Well, I wasn't supposed to tell about this because Mrs. Morton said it was our little secret, and I only was ever going to tell Mr. Morton if he asked me about it because, you know, like I told you, Mr. Morton said always to tell the truth, and I wouldn't have lied to him if he asked me about it, but he didn't, so I never said anything.  
  
Lennie: [Trying to follow this.] So the "little secret" -- what was it?  
  
Sharon: It is a secret.  
  
Lennie: From who?  
  
Sharon: Mr. Morton.  
  
Lennie: But he's dead, and it never was supposed to be a secret from me, was it?  
  
Sharon: Uh, not that I know of.  
  
Lennie: Okay, so tell me now.  
  
Sharon: Well, I guess it's okay, especially if it will help make those people stop saying that bad stuff on the TV.  
  
Lennie: That's what we're shooting for.  
  
Sharon: Well, sometimes Mrs. Morton used to come by when her husband was at the court.  
  
Lennie: Did she come only when he was in court?  
  
Sharon: Now that you mention it, I guess so.  
  
Lennie: What did she want?  
  
Sharon: Well, first it seemed like she wanted to visit with me, and then she started doing nice stuff.  
  
Lennie: Like what?  
  
Sharon: Well, I didn't know if I should be doing this. I didn't know if Mr. Morton would like it, but Mrs. Morton said it would be okay, and she really was being so nice.  
  
Lennie: [Patiently.] Like what?  
  
Sharon: Like what what?  
  
Lennie: The "nice stuff" she was doing.  
  
Sharon: Oh, yeah. Well, she'd come around and tell me to take a break.  
  
Lennie: [Gesturing with his hands in circles, urging her on.] A break? A break to do what?  
  
Sharon: She, um, well, she would give me money to go shopping and said she would watch the office for a while. She said that she didn't think that Mr. Morton was paying me enough and that that I was such a good secretary to him and all that she said she wanted to show me that she appreciated that.  
  
Lennie: Shopping? So, you would leave the office, and Mrs. Morton would stay there alone?  
  
Sharon: Yeah. I know it probably wasn't good, but...  
  
Lennie: [Interrupts her.] How many times did this happen?  
  
Sharon: Um, a few times -- um, I don't know.  
  
Lennie: Do you know when it happened?  
  
Sharon: [Shakes head vaguely.] I don't think I can say. Sorry.  
  
Lennie: How about this? Do you remember anything about the weather? Was it cold out when you went shopping? Did you buy clothes for cold weather or for spring or what?  
  
Sharon: Oh, I see what you mean. Hmmmm.... [Thinking.]  
  
Lennie: What, Sharon? What is it? Are you remembering something?  
  
Sharon: No, I don't remember dates and stuff like that good, but I know how I could tell you.  
  
Lennie: [Eagerly.] You do? How?  
  
Sharon: Well, see, a secretary has to write down her boss' appointments.  
  
Lennie: Okay, so you're saying this stuff is on the calendar that he kept? We already have that. It doesn't say anything about Mrs. Morton.  
  
Sharon: Well, that's the boring one.  
  
Lennie: You mean there's another one?  
  
Sharon: Yeah, my own. That's the one where I would put down stuff so that I could remember it good. It's sorta like not so much writing, though.  
  
Lennie: Well, what is it?  
  
Sharon: Pictures. I like to draw pictures.  
  
Lennie: So, you could look at these pictures and tell when Mrs. Morton was in the office?  
  
Sharon: Yeah, I think so.  
  
Lennie: Where is this calendar? What does it look like?  
  
Sharon: It's like one of those planner thingies.  
  
Lennie: Yeah, come on.  
  
Sharon: It's got like teddy bears on the cover. They're sort of like dancing or something.  
  
Lennie: And where is it?  
  
Sharon: The drawer on the right. Middle.  
  
Lennie: [Heads for telephone.] Okay, Sharon, as soon as I call Det. Logan, you can get your room service.  
  
Sharon: Anything I want?  
  
Lennie: [Punching in a number.] Anything you want.  
  
Sharon: Even strawberries and whipped cream?  
  
Lennie: Knock yourself out, kid.  
  
END SCENE NINE.  
  
  
  
SCENE TEN: Same, a little while later. Sharon is sitting cross-legged on the bed eating and watching TV.  
  
[Mike enters. He's carrying two large slim books in labeled plastic bags.]  
  
Mike: Okay, Lennie, I've got Morton's calendar and this teddy bear daybook. It's mainly just has pictures -- drawings. Food and clothes and stuff like that. I don't know what it's going to tell us.  
  
Lennie: Sharon is going to tell us what it's going to tell us.  
  
Mike: She can read hieroglyphics?  
  
Lennie: She wrote -- er, drew them. Sharon, finish up and come back over here, please.  
  
Sharon: [Groans.] Oh, this movie is just getting good.  
  
Lennie: It's pay-per-view -- you can see it all over again later.  
  
Sharon: Promise?  
  
Lennie: You tell us what we need to know, and I promise you can watch it as many times as you want to.  
  
Sharon: Okay. I'm just about finished with this anyway.  
  
Mike: [Sees what she's eating.] Why, Lennie, I'm jealous! In all the time we've been going together you never bought me strawberries and cream!  
  
Lennie: Heh-heh! Save it, Mike.  
  
Sharon: They're good. Want some?  
  
Mike: Uh, not right now, thanks.  
  
Lennie: Let's sit down and take a look at these books.  
  
Sharon: [Sighs.] More sitting, more talking.  
  
Lennie: [Takes Sharon's day planner from the plastic bag.] Is this your calendar, Sharon -- the not-the-boring one?  
  
Sharon: Yup, that's it.  
  
Lennie: Okay, tell us anything in it that tells you anything at all about Mrs. Morton. Does it tell you the first day she came to see you?  
  
Sharon: I don't know... Let me see... [Pages through book.] Yeah, maybe this is it. [Points at a page.]  
  
Lennie: March 12th. What does his calendar say, Mike?  
  
Mike: He was in court that afternoon.  
  
Lennie: How do you know this is the first time she came to see you?  
  
Sharon: Well, I think it is because, see, I tried to draw her here in her business suit. I couldn't get it very good. After that, see, the other times she came, I know 'cause I drew pictures of what I bought with the money she gave me. Before that there's hardly any pictures of stuff I bought because I don't usually shop while I'm at work. Mainly, I would just draw pictures of what I ate for lunch, or the birds on the windowsill, or if it was raining -- stuff like that.  
  
Mike: What happened that first time she came to the office?  
  
Sharon: Oh, I don't think very much. She was just dropping by -- you know, friendly-like because she had heard about me from her husband. Like that.  
  
Lennie: [Turning the pages.] So, like, here you drew a dress. And there, there's a picture of shoes. Are these things you bought when Mrs. Morton came to see you?  
  
Sharon: Yeah -- you get it now!  
  
Mike: What are those dates, Lennie?  
  
Lennie: March 18, April 4, April 16...  
  
Mike: All days he was in court, all right. And she would have known that from checking the court calendar. Sharon, when you went out shopping, how long did you usually stay gone?  
  
Sharon: Oh, Mrs. Morton would say, "Take an hour or two, Sharon. You deserve it." But I usually came back in about an hour and a half. She was being nice, and I didn't want to take advantage.  
  
Mike: [To Lennie.] Time enough for a little TV watching.  
  
Lennie: [Nods.] What's the date again of Tiffany Fountain's first appointment?  
  
Mike: Let's see... That was April 11th. You said Morton was there on the 16th, and how many more days?  
  
Sharon: Hey, wait a minute. You asked about Tiffany Fountain before?  
  
Lennie: Yeah?  
  
Sharon: I think I remember something now... Let me show you... [Takes book from Lennie and pages through it.] Yeah, see it there? I think I got that pretty good -- just like in the park.  
  
Lennie: [Looks at page.] It's a fountain on the 24th. Does that mean Tiffany Fountain was there?  
  
Sharon: Yeah. I'd been to the park that weekend, and when I saw her, it reminded me that I wanted to try to draw the fountain.  
  
Mike: Was that a Mrs. Morton day?  
  
Sharon: Yes, 'cause -- oh, don't look! [Slams hand down on book.]  
  
Lennie: What?  
  
Sharon: That's the day I bought a bikini. You can't see it!  
  
Mike: I think we know each other well enough now that we can see a picture of your bikini, Sharon, don't you?  
  
Sharon: Well, okay -- but don't get any funny ideas. [Reveals drawing.]  
  
Lennie: Did Fountain have an appointment that day, Mike?  
  
Mike: No. Not another one until May 16. [Looks at Lennie.] That's the day Morton was killed.  
  
Lennie: Okay -- very, very important, Sharon. Why was Tiffany Fountain there on April 24th if her next appointment wasn't until May 16th?  
  
Sharon: She told me something about that... [Remembering.] I think she said she got her dates mixed up -- that she was supposed to be someplace else or something. Sounded pretty stupid to me.  
  
[Lennie and Mike smile at that.]  
  
Lennie: Now, also very important -- was Mrs. Fountain there at the same time Tiffany was?  
  
Sharon: Oh, yeah -- they were talking when I got there, and I showed them my bikini. I remember that all now because I see the pictures.  
  
Mike: Well, you were right, Lennie. The introduction bit was phony.  
  
Lennie: Still, it's probably not enough... Let's see what else is here... No more clothes or anything like that. But... Sharon, what are these things on April 29th?  
  
Sharon: [Looks.] Oh, that's the stuff Mrs. Morton brought that we put around Mr. Morton's office. It was supposed to be a surprise -- you know, to like sort of brighten up the place, but he never noticed. He never noticed stuff like that.  
  
Lennie: Looks like a picture or a painting.  
  
Sharon: Yeah, a couple of paintings. I had to get the super to come help us hang them up.  
  
Lennie: And some flowers.  
  
Sharon: Yeah, artificial ones in those cute little vases. She had me put those out around Mr. Morton's office.  
  
Lennie: And what is this here?  
  
Sharon: Oh, that's that funny little fat guy statue. I really didn't think he was very cute, but Mrs. Morton seemed to think Mr. Morton would like him.  
  
Mike: Fat guy? The Buddha statue?!?  
  
Lennie: What did you do with it, Sharon?  
  
Sharon: I didn't do anything with it. Mrs. Morton put him on the end table. She said he would do just perfect right there and not to move him.  
  
Mike: And Mr. Morton never noticed these new touches?  
  
Sharon: Nah, I never thought he would. He only ever had his mind on his work -- that's all he ever thought about.  
  
Lennie: [Under his breath.] I can understand why!  
  
Mike: So, does Mrs. Morton ever show up again?  
  
Lennie: [Leafing through day book.] I don't think so. Is that the last time you saw her, Sharon?  
  
Sharon: [Nods.] Yeah, probably -- if there are no more pictures about it.  
  
Mike: Think it's enough, Lennie?  
  
Lennie: It's at least enough to take to Carmichael and show her that we did find a connection. The rest'll be up to her and McCoy. We need to get this to her.  
  
Mike: Um, Sharon, why don't you go back and watch some TV for a minute. Det. Briscoe and I have to talk.  
  
Sharon: Did I tell you some good stuff?  
  
Lennie: [Pats her shoulder.] You told us some real good stuff. And you know what? I think maybe you ought to go to art school. It might work out better than this secretary thing.  
  
Sharon: [Brightens.] Hey, that's a good idea! Maybe I will. Thanks! [Wanders over to TV.]  
  
Mike: So, let's get this stuff over to Carmichael.  
  
Lennie: First, let's call Van Buren and get a female officer over here to stay with Sharon for however long this takes. I still don't want her anywhere near a phone. And let me look at this calendar again. There might be a thing or two more I want to ask her before we go.  
  
END SCENE TEN.  
  
  
  
SCENE ELEVEN: Office of EADA Jack McCoy, an hour or two later. Lennie and Mike are explaining the calendars to him and Abbie Carmichael.  
  
Lennie: And see? There's the murder weapon right there. Placed by Mrs. Morton in a spot from which it was not moved until the day of her husband's murder -- placed in immediate reach of where he was spanking Tiffany Fountain.  
  
Mike: Wha'd'ya say, Carmichael? Is this enough to get us back into your good graces?  
  
Abbie: [Absently, more interested in what she is looking at.] You mean you thought you ever were in my good graces?  
  
Lennie: Well, even if that's too much to hope for, is it enough to go after Denise Morton? Not only did she acquire and place the weapon, but Coley's statement puts her together with Tiffany Fountain prior to Fountain's arrest, meaning that she in effect lied to the police by pretending never to have met her.  
  
Abbie: It's close, very close, don't you think, Jack? Still I'd hate to give a jury only the word and drawings of that ditzy secretary.  
  
Lennie: Well, we have a bit more than that. If there's one thing Sharon Coley knows, it's shopping. I asked her how Mrs. Morton brought in the statue and the other items that day. She remembered the store name from the bags because she said that the statue was so heavy that it had ripped one of them, and Sharon offered to throw it away.  
  
Mike: Which Morton wouldn't let her do and instead took the bags with her.  
  
Abbie: What store? Did she use a credit card by any chance?  
  
Lennie: Buffington's -- a kind of knick-knack decorating place. We went by there, but, no, she wasn't stupid enough to use a credit card.  
  
Mike: But we did get a good description of her because the owner had been trying to unload that Buddha statue for quite a while, so he remembers her well.  
  
Lennie: And don't forget the office building super. We talked to him, and he said that Mrs. Morton was there when he hung those pictures.  
  
Abbie: That's two more voices. Jack?  
  
Jack: [Thinking.] It may not be enough for a jury, but it's sure as hell enough to arrest her. And that's probably all we need to do, isn't it? [He smiles.]  
  
Abbie: Yes -- because if Morton's in jail, she'll have to be removed from Fountain's case, and without Morton,...  
  
Jack: ...Fountain will have to deal.  
  
Lennie: What about motive?  
  
Jack: It'd be nice, but we probably don't need it. I must admit, however, that I for one am damned curious about that.  
  
Mike: So, we bring her in?  
  
Jack: Yup, she shouldn't be hard to find. You get her, Abbie and I will arrange to have her replaced as counsel, and we'll meet up at the Two-Seven and see if we can sort this out.  
  
END SCENE ELEVEN.  
  
  
  
SCENE TWELVE: 27th Precinct, outside the Interview Room a few hours later. Within, Mrs. Morton and a man, her lawyer, can be seen. Mrs. Morton is obviously distraught, pacing and gesturing wildly. Lennie, Mike, and Lt. Van Buren are observing as Jack and Abbie enter.  
  
Lennie: Hey, McCoy, I was just telling the Lieutenant that we oughta get combat pay for bringing this one in.  
  
Jack: She give you a hard time?  
  
Mike: I think I'm gonna need a new eardrum from all the screeching.  
  
Jack: [Shrugs.] Throw in a resisting charge. It's all the same to me.  
  
Abbie: Did she say anything interesting?  
  
Lennie: Mainly she was screaming about having to see her client.  
  
Abbie: There's a switch.  
  
Jack: Indeed.  
  
[Suddenly within, Denise Morton is seen to hurl a chair across the room. Her lawyer, startled, backs toward the door.]  
  
Lennie: Whoa!  
  
Lt. Van Buren: That's it. You guys cuff her. I'm not going to have anyone getting hurt in here.  
  
Lennie: Yeah? How about us?  
  
[Lt. Van Buren glares, and Lennie and Mike enter the IR where they can be seen subduing Mrs. Morton and handcuffing her to a chair.]  
  
Lt. Van Buren: Man, that poor lawyer looks like the cavalry just arrived!  
  
[Lennie and Mike return.]  
  
Lennie: He says to give her a few minutes to calm down -- like that's gonna happen -- and then we can talk to her. Jeez, she's a banshee. If you ask me, her husband shoulda stayed home and...  
  
Lt. Van Buren: No one's asking you, Lennie.  
  
Jack: You know, except out of morbid curiosity, we don't even have to talk to her at all.  
  
Mike: Fountain rolled?  
  
Jack: Like a tire down a hill.  
  
Abbie: Yeah. She wasn't with the new lawyer the judge appointed twenty minutes before they called us.  
  
Lennie: So, what's the story?  
  
Abbie: Uh, that wasn't exactly easy to follow. Miss Fountain is -- um, unusual.  
  
Mike: Yeah, yeah, we know. We spent a delightful evening with her. What'd she say?  
  
Jack: It seems that the going price for killing a spanking lawyer is $25,000 plus a grand a month for any time she'd have to do if she didn't walk on self-defense.  
  
Abbie: Plus the ad execs Mrs. Morton knows. Apparently, our Tiffany aspires to be a model, and Morton was going to make that happen.  
  
Jack: What she'll be modeling, however, will be a very limited wardrobe for the next eight to twelve.  
  
Lt. Van Buren: Amazing! Did she give you any idea why Mrs. Morton wanted her husband dead?  
  
Abbie: Nothing clear. Either Morton didn't share that with her or she didn't understand it enough to be able to tell us.  
  
[Mrs. Morton's lawyer taps on window and beckons them.]  
  
Jack: Well, perhaps we're about to find out.  
  
END SCENE TWELVE.  
  
  
  
SCENE THIRTEEN: 27th Precinct, interview room. Denise Morton, handcuffed to a chair, sits beside her lawyer at the table. Jack and Abbie sit across from them. Lennie is half-sitting on the windowsill, and Mike is moving back and forth across the room.  
  
Jack: Okay, Mrs. Morton, is there anything you want to tell us?  
  
Mrs. Morton: [Snaps.] What I want to tell you is to let me out of here and let me see my client Tiffany Fountain!  
  
Abbie: Miss Fountain is no longer your client, Mrs. Morton -- not since you've been arrested.  
  
Mrs. Morton: You can't do that!  
  
Jack: No, but Judge Scarletti can, and he did.  
  
Mrs. Morton: And tell me, Mr. McCoy, is that how the DA's office works? Do you always arrest defense counsel when you know you can't win a case?  
  
Jack: No, we only arrest defense counsel when she is guilty of a murder for hire.  
  
Mrs. Morton. [Laughs bitterly.] And where did you get such a fascinating piece of information?  
  
Abbie: From your erstwhile client, Tiffany Fountain.  
  
Mrs. Morton: You've got to be kidding. She's such an idiot that it would take you ten years to prep her for a jury, and even then they wouldn't believe her.  
  
Jack: Weren't you going to put her on the stand?  
  
Mrs. Morton: If it came to that, which it probably would not have. And if it did, even an idiot can tell the truth and be believed. My husband was sexually assaulting that woman, and she acted in self-defense. Period.  
  
Lennie: Except, Mrs. Morton [walks over and leans on table], we know better.  
  
Mrs. Morton: A Neanderthal like you knows anything at all? Please.  
  
Lennie: We know Sharon Coley real well.  
  
Mrs. Morton: Your case just keeps getting better and better, McCoy. An idiot corroborated by a lunatic. I like it!  
  
Mike: And the owner of Buffington's and the super of your husband's office building.  
  
Mrs. Morton: So a wife buys a few little things to brighten up her husband's very drab office? Is that now a crime?  
  
Abbie: [Quietly.] Did that bother you? That your husband's office was drab?  
  
Mrs. Morton: [Abbie struck a nerve.] He could have done better. Much better.  
  
Jack: Why didn't he?  
  
Mrs. Morton: [Pauses.] Not enough ambition.  
  
Jack: Or could it just be that he liked what he was doing?  
  
[No answer from Mrs. Morton.]  
  
Jack: [To lawyer.] Your client is awfully quiet all of a sudden.  
  
Lawyer: What are we talking about here, Mr. McCoy?  
  
Jack: She tells us what happened, pleads guilty, and I don't go for Murder One.  
  
Mrs. Morton: You can't be serious!  
  
Jack: Section 125.27, Paragraph One, Subsection Six has your name all over it, Mrs. Morton.  
  
[Mrs. Morton and Lawyer confer in whispers.]  
  
Lawyer: Man One?  
  
Jack: Murder Two, and it's a gift.  
  
Lawyer: Come off it -- you don't have the evidence to convict.  
  
Abbie: We've told you what we've already found out in only a day and a half.  
  
Lennie: Yeah, and that's just from the "idiot" and the "lunatic."  
  
Jack: Do you seriously think that by the time we go to trial we won't have found enough more evidence to nail your client to the wall? She may be a successful attorney, but a master criminal she is not.  
  
[Mrs. Morton and Lawyer confer again at greater length.]  
  
Lawyer: Murder Two? Deal?  
  
Jack: Deal.  
  
Lawyer: Can we discuss sentencing?  
  
Jack: [Shrugs.] That might depend on what more your client has to say.  
  
[Silence, as everyone looks at Mrs. Morton.]  
  
END SCENE THIRTEEN.  
  
  
  
SCENE FOURTEEN: Office of EADA Jack McCoy. Present are Jack, Abbie, Anita, Lennie, Mike, and Adam. Adam sits with a hat on and his coat over his arm.  
  
Adam: [Shaking his head.] Well, that is the damnedest story I've ever heard. So, it really was all about the spanking?  
  
Abbie: That, and that her husband's practice -- his law practice, that is -- embarrassed her.  
  
Jack: She tried to get us to buy that her husband was blackmailing her, but I couldn't seriously go for it.  
  
Adam: Blackmail? How in hell did she figure that?  
  
Jack: It was that his price for giving up his practice -- and all his lovely young clients -- and joining her firm was that she become involved in his, er, hobby.  
  
Lennie: Sounds reasonable to me.  
  
[Abbie and Anita glare. Mike and Jack try to hide smiles.]  
  
Adam: [Hurummmmphs]. Seems to me that she tried to fix what wasn't broke. Man never had a complaint from any of his clients and the judges loved him.  
  
Abbie: He wasn't making much money.  
  
Mike: But she was making plenty enough for both of them.  
  
Jack: I don't think the money was it. As she was moving up, the nature of his lowly clientele was embarrassing her more and more.  
  
Adam: Then it wasn't the spanking? This is beginning to give me a headache.  
  
Abbie: It was the spanking that gave her the means and opportunity to have him killed.  
  
Anita: You see, she contrived to get into his office to watch his tapes and locate the most likely...  
  
Abbie: ...the most stupid...  
  
Anita: ...one of his clients...  
  
Adam: Tiffany Fountain.  
  
Anita: ...and then she cultivated her.  
  
Jack: Plain out hired her.  
  
Adam: And Mr. Morton is dead. Well, the papers will have a field day, but at least this time it won't be at our expense. Very good. [Gets up to leave.]  
  
Abbie: Adam, what position does the DA's office take on the assault?  
  
Adam: [On his way out the door.] Well, Miss Carmichael, you may assume any position you wish! [Leaves.]  
  
[Everyone else in the room cracks up, but Abbie is furious.]  
  
Abbie: I don't get it! Right from the very beginning! Just what is it with all you people?!?  
  
Anita: [Tries to stop laughing.] We're s-s-sorry, Abbie -- really, but... [Cracks up again.]  
  
Jack: [Wiping his eyes.] Come on, Abbie -- you've got to lighten up here and see the funny side of this...  
  
Abbie: Which funny side would that be? The dead man? The battered women? The wife and client going to prison?  
  
Jack: No, no -- you're not getting it...  
  
Lennie: But is she gonna get it?!?  
  
[Another round of hilarity ensues.]  
  
Mike: [Recovering, barely.] You see, Carmichael, it was those tapes -- tape after tape. All those really brainless girls and all those bare bottoms. After a while -- I don't know -- after a while, it just got to be really funny.  
  
Lennie: Yeah, if it had been just one, one time...  
  
Mike: Yeah, see, that wouldn't have been so funny.  
  
Lennie: But after a couple dozen...  
  
Anita: [Presses the backs of her hands to her eyes and makes a determined effort to stop laughing.] Okay, guys, we've got to stop this. Okay? Abbie, really, I don't think there is any anti-feminist statement being made here or anything like that. Right?  
  
Jack: No, certainly not -- nothing like that.  
  
Mike: That's right.  
  
Lennie: We wouldn't dare.  
  
Abbie: [Glares at each one in turn.] So, it was just the repetition, right? It's not that you think any of this is actually a good idea?  
  
Jack: That's it. Honest.  
  
Mike: Absolutely.  
  
Lennie: Definitely not a good idea, no.  
  
Abbie: [Relenting.] Well...  
  
Lennie: [Holds out his hand to her.] No hard feelings, Counselor?  
  
Abbie: No more spanking jokes, Detective?  
  
Lennie: Deal. [They shake hands.]  
  
Jack: Well, I think we all deserve a drink for getting this case off our backs. Baxter's? I'm buying.  
  
Anita: You read my mind, Counselor. Let's go!  
  
Lennie: Wait a minute. What about all these tapes? Shouldn't someone take them to the Property Room?  
  
Anita: I'll send someone to pick them up in the morning.  
  
Lennie: But these are like the most famous videotapes in the city. You don't want just anyone picking them up.  
  
Mike: Yeah. Lennie and I wouldn't mind...  
  
Anita: You guys are incorrigible! [Herds them out the door.]  
  
Jack: [Following.] Coming, Abbie?  
  
Abbie: You go ahead. I'll be along in a minute. I have a few things to finish up.  
  
Jack: You're not still mad?  
  
Abbie: Nah. [Smiles.] I'll be there -- I promise.  
  
Jack: Okay. Don't be long. [Leaves.]  
  
[Abbie shakes her head as she watches them all leave. She gathers a few files from the desk and heads for the door but stops and looks back over her shoulder at the boxes of tapes. She turns to leave again but stops again. This time she locks the door, puts down the folders, and selects a tape from the box. She sort of weighs it in her hand for a moment and then pops it in the VCR and settles in a chair. At first she watches expressionless, and then she begins to smile just a little. She smiles more, then snickers a little, and then just pulls her hair back with both hands, leans back in the chair, and begins to laugh out loud.]  
  
END SCENE FOURTEEN.  
  
THE END. 


End file.
